I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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