Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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