I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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