I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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