Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
