Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
