is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
