I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
