I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
