so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
