why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
