WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
