I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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