so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
