I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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