Your dad touched me again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
