youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
