I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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