Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
NoShamevember. You game?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
