OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I look better un-naked...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
