Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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