you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
