you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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