ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
the liver wants what the liver wants
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
