we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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