so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
