This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
