The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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