we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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