apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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