sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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