you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
