GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
