I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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