It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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