Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize