And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
