He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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