Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
