After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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