Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
