I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
