Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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