I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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