considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
