Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
