You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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