If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
