next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
