dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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