He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
