I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
