Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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