You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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