Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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