she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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