i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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