Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Your penis caused this!
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