I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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