I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
