i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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