I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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